THERE are many things that come from having a healthy, single dating life. And by healthy I mean once in a blue moon someone writes a message to you on Tinder, or that blind date your friend suggested they set you up on actually happened.
When these rare treats occur you can’t help but start to dream about how it will end up, tied romantically and neatly into a baby pink bow.
Perhaps, in your fantasy, he takes you on a first date where lunch turns into dinner, and you find yourself red wine drunk at Karaoke — him serenading you with a Silverchair song because you told him during dinner Daniel Johns was your first love.
What we don’t anticipate are the breakups that don’t sit in our fictitious dream collection of happy endings filed next to the Box Set of Grey’s Anatomy. The endings that in fact remind you that people are strange, messed up and down right ridiculous.
Allow me to reveal the top ten hilarious reasons my friends and I have been subjected to.
1. “I have cancer” (Friend)
Because there aren’t enough people with this cruel disease actually dying, we now need more “fake dying” too. Utter disgrace.
2. “I have to dedicate more time to my cricket” (Me)
I never liked cricket. Needless to say, I don’t like it a whole lot more.
3. “You don’t have enough money” (Friend)
This was probably true. But come on. Wealth can be translated in many ways other than the Australian dollar, right?
4. “You aren’t International enough” (Friend)
I actually don’t even know what this means.
5. “It’s not going to work out. You are a woman” (Friend) (And me indirectly)
Doh. This one always stings. I don’t know why, it rarely has anything to do with us. It’s more of a ‘I haven’t come out of the closest’ situation and we can hardly do anything to change things — but there is this awful embarrassment for chicks when it comes to this. It shouldn’t be the case.
6. “You aren’t Christian” (Me)
I was told that even though there was a connection between the two of us, us not being able to extend a faith together was a deal breaker. Then he heads off to a Hill Song conference.
7. “You are too loud” (Friend)
I mean yeah, actually, she is pretty loud. I am not for blokes hating on girls who voice their opinion. But man, she is incredibly audibly loud.
8. “You are a bigger lass” (Friend)
I think the shocking sentence that followed here was, “I don’t like it when you jiggle”. A**hole.
9. “I am falling in love with you and I’m not ready for that” (Friend)
A classic. I am pretty sure you aren’t falling in love, if you opted to fall out of it.
10. “My Mum doesn’t like you” (Friend)
This is a tricky one and I felt bad for my friend as she swears to this day, the Mum and Dad loved her. I can guarantee this would never happen to me though. I do parents so well, it’s hard to remember who the actual child is.
I think the greatest gift when you are sorting through the trash to get to the treasure is having life experiences that make you laugh. I hope, like me, you have amazing mates who you can giggle away at the ludicrous world it is. And ladies, know for sure, it is ALWAYS more about them than it is about you.
*Disclaimer — All of these ridiculous breaks up endings can apply to men from women too. Crazy doesn’t discriminate at gender.